As I lay in bed, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I felt abandoned, alone, unloved, unwanted, unworthy, and disappointed. Sorrow consumed me. I knew my mother was not going to show up for me. All I had was my husband, and my son. While I was grateful for them, I longed for my mother to cheer for me. I wanted my family to be happy for me, but they weren’t. Everyone ignored my accomplishments (a story for another time).

Hopelessness consumed me as I stared at the wall, wide awake and lost in thought. I must make this clear because what I’m about to tell you may seem like a dream, but it wasn’t. As I mentioned, I began to feel strange. I looked at the clock, and it was 12:11 a.m. Time felt as though it had come to a standstill, and I was spooked.

I ran downstairs to tell my husband something weird was happening. I told him I was scared. He was in the shower, but reassured me telling me to go back upstairs and not to be afraid. I went back to the bedroom and got back into bed.

As I lay there staring at the ceiling, God asks me “Do you forgive your mother?” I hesitated. I wasn’t ready to answer such a deep question. Why would He ask me this now? I’m in pain. Couldn’t I wallow in self-pity for a little while? I felt His presence and He was above me towards my right side. I felt an urgency to reply. I had to say yes or no. I replied, “I can’t answer that right now.” It was a serious question. I knew I wasn’t ready to forgive her. I didn’t want to say no, but yes wasn’t the truth and I didn’t want to lie to God. I turned from Him and laid on my left side. 

I closed my eyes, and immediately, I had a vision of nuns lined up in rows. They were all dressed in habits. Their heads were covered with veils, and they were in rows and looked to be more than a hundred of them. In the front of them was the head nun (an abbess) telling them to chant “Forgive us for our sins, let us do right by you, Lord. Forgive us for our sins.” As she paces back and forth in front of them, she firmly demands them to repeat it “Again!” and they would repeat “Forgive us for our sins, let us do right by you, Lord. Forgive us for our sins.” I then felt the abbess turn her attention to me and urged me to chant too, so I did. I began to chant quietly. “Forgive us for our sins. Let us do right by you, Lord. Forgive us for our sins.” The chanting became intense, but eventually started to fade away.

I opened my eyes and turned to lay on my right side. I closed my eyes again and I immediately saw a vision of short, distorted old women each dressed the same in dingy, white, A-lined button-down dresses. Their heads wrapped in a dingy white head wrap. My mother was from Guyana and had an aunt she called pooah that used to dress the exact same way.  A lot of older women in Guyana dressed this way. In the vision, It was like I was in a sepia picture. Everything was brown toned. Their faces were distorted and had a square shape, their nose wide and flat. They resembled the husband from UP. They were standing in a circle, and I was in the middle of the circle. They were spinning around me and asking rapid fire questions. “Why did you lie?!  Why did you steal? Why were you mean? Why did you do this? Why did you do that?!” It was overwhelming. I felt like I was suffocating so I opened my eyes. I couldn’t take it anymore. I remember feeling like I was able to get out of there by opening my eyes, but it felt like I left someone behind that couldn’t leave. It was really intense. 

As I laid there, still on my right side my phone began to play Sade’s Kiss of Life. I was confused because I didn’t touch my phone, nor was I playing music. I haven’t played that song in a while, so I was confused. Why would my phone just randomly play a song? I didn’t turn it off. I looked at my phone and the time said 12:12. Still, time was going so slow, but I listened. 

“There must have been an angel by my side. Something heavenly led me to you. Look at the sky it’s the color of love.” I heard those words, and I knew God was there with me for sure. It was like physical proof that it was not my imagination, a dream or a hallucination. As I registered these words, I’m realizing in just these few seconds how He was with me my whole life. When I thought I was alone, He was with me. His angels were with me. He loved me when I thought I was unloved. He was there, protecting me despite me not knowing Him. Yes, I believed in God but I didn’t know Jesus, but I know Him now. 

I always loved looking up at the sky when I prayed. He created the stars and the moon, so naturally I felt closet to Him while looking at the sky. I always wondered if he heard me. He was telling me in that moment He did! I came to realize all this just after that first verse, I began to cry a deep cry unlike any other cry I’ve ever cried. 

As I continued to listen to the song, and as I am crying, I feel this warm embrace of a hug wrap around me. It was so loving and warm. I began to cry even harder because I felt His presence. I felt Him give me all the love I never received growing up. All the love I missed out on from everyone including the father that abandoned me, it felt like He gave back to me in that moment. He made that clear to me He knew what I went through. He knew about the neglect, and abuse and He was making it right. I never felt something like that in my life. A feeling of unconditional, pure, kind, soothing and safe love. It was the best feeling and I did not want His embrace to end. This is what God’s love feels like? I never want to be away from it.

I’m feeling this love and listening to the words, which made this experience even more beatific. How lucky am I to have Jesus visit me and go to such great lengths to let me know how real He is? I felt worthy, loved, and fulfilled. I was really in awe. The lyrics just explained His love for not only me, but for all His children. He didn’t just die for me, He died for everyone who accepts His gift. 

He wants us to know He Is by your side. He built a bridge to your heart by sacrificing His. How many tons of love is inside of Him for you? He can’t say. It’s too much to count. His heart beats for you, that’s why He gave it up for you. He gave you the kiss of life and wrapped you in the color of love. You are covered with His blood. My goodness! If that doesn’t move you, I don’t know what will! Just writing this has me emotional again and it revealed things to me I didn’t previously realize. The dissection of the song made me realize how He was with me from day one! “Wasn’t it clear from the start?” He couldn’t have chosen a better song. That song will always be in my heart and every time I hear it, I think of that night and His love for me. In fact, I’ve come across that song during times I needed a reminder that Jesus is with me. 

When the experience was over, I looked at the time once more. It said 12:13am. Time was really moving slow, maybe even froze!  I was shocked to see it was only a minute since I checked the time last. A whole song played and only a minute passed. I wasn’t dreaming, I was wide awake. Even if I was dreaming, wouldn’t that still take time? It wasn’t a dream or a hallucination. It was real.

My husband came to bed, and I told him about the encounter I had. I cried while explaining everything. He said to me “That was Jesus.” It sure was. After that night, I was a follower of Christ. I cannot tell you how blessed I feel for that encounter. I realize not everyone will have that kind of experience with Jesus. Some people don’t need to have one to believe in Him. That’s having faith. I think He needed to reach me somehow and knew that I would tell others about my encounter with Him. So, by coming to me, He essentially came to you who is reading this right now. He led you here to read this for a reason. (“He led me to you.” woo!) He wants you to tell people about Him. Tell them they can be saved by accepting Him as their Lord and savior. Now if you feel that this was probably a dream or a hallucination. What I am about to tell you will make you believe otherwise.

 About 10 days later sometime in May of 2020, my aunt calls me. She asked what I’m doing and made small talk with me. I later realized she was doing this to get a sense of my tone and mood. Out of nowhere she blurts out, in her broken English Guyanese accent “I hear your mother dead and she done bury and everything.” She said it so matter-of-factly. No emotion or grace behind her tone. I said “What?!” and began to hyperventilate on the phone and started crying. 

My mother is dead? I couldn’t believe it. I asked how? She said it was the virus. She tells me that my stepfather had it and my mother was taking care of him, then she got it and ended up in the hospital. I hear in her voice that she is enjoying my pain. I wasn’t hiding any of my emotions, I wasn’t aware of what she was doing at the time.

My mother was in the hospital on her death bed, knowing she was going to die, but did not reach out to me. She knew that I would have to live the rest of my life knowing that she didn’t love me enough to say goodbye. She thought it would crush me, but she didn’t know Jesus would come to me to prepare me for the heartache and pain she was trying to inflict.

I gathered myself and called my half brother to ask if it was true that our mother was dead.  After we exchanged some heated words, and my husband talked a little bit of sense into him. We were both calm enough to talk about what happened. I had to know what day she died, because if it was April 26^th, it would have been the same day Jesus came to me. He confirmed it was April 26^th. I started balling and telling him what happened, but like a lot of people I have told who are of the world, brushed me off and didn’t want to hear it.

He also tells me that my mom is not buried yet and still at the funeral home, but she requested that I don’t attend to her funeral. I was devastated because I really believe my mom was not in her right mind, I don’t believe she ever was in her right mind and they knew that, too. At the time, I felt like I needed to see her. I wanted to say goodbye. My husband and I begged my stepfather to let me attend. They said they would call me back and let me know, but they never did. Although I knew where she was going to be buried and the time, I wasn’t going to force myself somewhere I wasn’t wanted. I know she has to answer for everything she has ever done to me because she was the one being asked all those questions by those distorted beings. “Why did you lie? Why did you steal? Why did you try to destroy your own daughter?” It was because she didn’t know Jesus. She wasn’t fortunate enough to know His love which is sad. It is scary to think where she ended up because she never accepted Jesus. It was also supernatural that He let me witness Her judgement, although I didn’t know it at the time. I had a dream a few weeks after her death. I saw my mom and she was surrounded by pitch black darkness. It was a darkness I’ve never seen before. It was extremely black behind her. She eventually faded into that darkness and disappeared. Her expression was blank but her arms were stretched out to me. Like she wanted to give me a hug, but I was frozen and all I could do was watch her fade away. I did get a sense that she was happy to see me before she disappeared.

It took some time to get over that whole thing, and had Jesus not come to me that night, I probably would have never healed from that or the years of trauma she caused me. I would have gone on for years or even the rest of my life hurt that my mother hated me so much that she didn’t call me to say goodbye on her deathbed. She thought that it would hinder me for life, but she was so wrong. God would never let His daughter suffer like that. God loves us all, but through many experiences, some of which I’ll share in the future, I’ve come to realize that His hand is upon me. He does not take kindly to those who do evil against me. My mother passed away young, and my father died a year later. They were the two people who caused me the most pain. Over time, I’ve also witnessed the lives of others crumble after they tried to harm me. These experiences have shown me that I am under His divine protection.

I forgive my mother. I forgive my whole family, but will I ever let them in my life? Never. My aunt took joy in hearing the pain in my voice over the phone and if she could have done it to my face, she would have enjoyed it even more. She even recruited one of her daughters to call me to find out where I was mentally.

These people are evil and wicked and I want nothing to do with them. What occurred after my mother’s death is a story for another time, but I have no contact with my mother’s family or my father’s side at that. They are deeply damaged people inflicting trauma and pain on each other instead of healing. I will not subject myself to the constant verbal jabs that they like taking. I grew up alone anyway, why would I need them now? I have all I need, and His name is Jesus. He healed me and He can heal you too. 

Before I end this testimony, I would like to mention what happened a few weeks before my encounter with Jesus. I was in the same spot on my bed on my phone. Again, I was wide awake. I looked up and saw Papa Legba (or a being that resembled him) on the wall, almost like it was a movie projection. If you are unfamiliar with him, he is a voodoo deity. Essentially, a demon who works with the devil. He gazed at me stoically and asks me if I want to sell my soul for success. without hesitation, I said “No, I’m sticking with God.” I always believed in God. I believe rejecting the devil made God happy and it was the reason I felt His love so intensly that night. I made the right choice. I will always stick with God.

Why would Papa Legba even come to me anyway? Was there a covenant made with him through my mother and he wanted to continue it through me because my mother was about to die? As I mentioned previously, my mother visited a voodoo priestess and took me with her. How involved was she in voodoo? I think deeply since I was approached by a demon to sell my soul.

I know this might sound outrageous to some. This won’t resonate with all, but only to those who believe and understand spiritual warfare. I understand that there will be some skeptics. If this is for you, then praise God for finding your way here! If not, please be respectful. I’m obeying God by sharing this testimony.